“I feel like I’m a milk cow”

Such words I’ve been saying often as a new first-time mom of a 2 week old baby boy. I’m not sure how else to feel at this point, nothing I do calms the baby down. No amount of milk I produce is enough for him.

You might be wondering if I’m complaining for the sake of complaining but I hear that many moms go through this “baby blues”, the full on postpartum depression that leaves mothers wondering why their baby isn’t bonding with them or why they do not yet feel an incredible attachment to their baby. This is where I am right now, and many would prefer that this be hush hush or not be seen, not heard situation but the truth is that this exists. This is illness (that’s what I’ll call it because this is what it feels like to me) is a reality for most mothers a lot more than it is not. Some mothers are lucky and will never experience this extreme feeling of uselessness or detached feeling towards what they have been waiting to meet for 9 months.

For me I do feel useless, I feel very detached from my son. I was excited, nervous and all other emotions during my pregnancy. I’d count movement and kicks just to reassure myself that my son was alive and well. I’d panic if I couldn’t feel him and did what was needed to help me feel assured that he is still going strong. All of this attachment to the incubation process (“incubator” is a pet term my husband used during my pregnancy) literally exited my body almost at the moment he was born. The detachment I felt being greater and greater when we were finally in the recovery ward and what I expected, which was the breathing in of his scent would make me feel more attached to him, holding him would make me feel more attached… All of the regular first-time mom things would make me feel more attached to him. Except it didn’t.

I’ve never felt more uneasy with my existance and purpose in the world at being a mother to my son than I do right now. The first 18 days after he was born, I am still trying to navigate the “milk” journey, only to be told by the midwife that the baby should be getting between 120 - 150ml of milk. I’d love to know how this is remotely possible, when my milk count of both breasts combine does not amount to anything over 60ml. On a very good expressing session I may get 70ml combined, but this is all I can seem to manage and yet I feel like I am being judged for not being able to produce more and resorting to formula to top up my son’s belly so he is not hungry after he has exhausted his personal milk farm.

I genuinely thought that the milk would increase as his milk needs increased, but it seems that this is not correct which then leads me to the question of what is normal, or rather what should be the normal amount to produce as the days go by. How do other mothers who breastfeed go through this increased milk demand if they cannot produce more which also means that babies will wake up from their sleep within an hour from the last feeding simply because the last feeding was not enough to fill their tummies. Now when it comes to filling their tummies, I am aware that clenched fists mean hungry, then one open/relaxed fist means they are almost satisfied and unclenched fists and pushing the nipple away means they are satisfied with their feed and ready for a rest or some activity before going back for a power nap.

Sidenote: If you can manage a power nap yourself during this time then go for it, but who will do everything else around the home that needs to be done? Now this thought will run in the back of my mind until I am exchausted thinking about it, giving up on this thought of having a clean home too.

Back to the milk factory

Eating good food and drinking plenty of fluids, preferrebly water are essential for milk production. This milk cow has been eating like a champion and drinking so much water that I’m starting to feel like a jiggly pool. Now this works in general, but I find that my little minion nurses at each breast for about 30 to 40 minutes at a time which leaves a short amount of time to replenish what was lost during the feeding, but also preparing things for the next feeding, which if your supply is as minimal as mine means you need to prepare formula to top the baby up after the breasts are empty. This is an endless cycle that goes from morning to night, and at night this little angel is more fussy than normal.

To add to my milk problems, I have a thyroid related issue which has me taking medicine on an empty stomach every morning with at least an hour from the tablet intake to having something to eat. This adds additional pressure on my milk farm where for a long period of time I am without food, drinking only water but still needing to express or feed every 2 hours which again requires a formula top up just so that I’m sure the baby is satified having a full tummy so that he can have a good nap for however long in the 2 hour gap he may want or need.

I wish there was some way to increase milk supply without the obvious methods which are told, drilled and even instructed to do so prior to leaving the hospital which I’ve not already tried. If there are other ways to getting more of a milk supply increase that can benefit both mother and baby, I’d be signing up for that in a flash but until then I’ll still question by ability to be a good mother simply because the expectation and reality of the situation are vastly different.

Sincerely yours

The Milk Cow (currently running on empty)